Often when a parent loses a child, a child loses a sibling. Coping with your own grief is difficult, but watching your child cope with theirs can be unbearable at times. You see, your own grief is yours...you know how you feel...but you can't know how your child feels and you can't take their pain away...they have to walk straight through grief too. Grief in a child's mind and heart is...different.

When Anna died my other five children were fourteen, eleven, eight, three and fifteen months old. My youngest child was unaware of the reason for the great sorrow in our home. I'm positive he sensed that something was wrong as he witnessed our symptoms of deep grief but for the most part he was unaffected. Each of the other children grieved and just as each adult does, each child grieved in their own way. Each of my children had different questions based on their understanding of our circumstances. Each child cried...some more than others. Each one of my children needed help through their grief.

You often hear people say, "Children are resilient, they bounce back quickly", and I'll have to admit that seems to be true, but children do need help. Don't ever just assume they'll be okay in time and ignore their symptoms, because not dealing with their pain and helping them to work through things will likely lengthen the healing process for them.

My three year old was probably at the most difficult age for losing a sibling. He was old enough to know that Anna was gone but not old enough to really understand what death meant. He had heard about heaven and hell and wanted to make sure that Anna was in heaven, but because he didn't understand the concept of living eternally and hadn't grasped salvation, he wasn't fully convinced that she was in heaven. I remember him asking me in tears one night, "Mommy, Anna is in heaven right? She's not in the bad place with scary monsters right?"

Because of his lack of understanding, he was also very concerned that he wouldn't see her again. I tried to tell him that she was in heaven because she was a Christian who loved Jesus, but he just wasn't sure. So, I found the best way to deal with him in his grief was to assure him over and over again that Anna was safe and happy and that if he grew to love and serve Jesus he would absolutely see her again.

My eight year old was Anna's closest sibling and dearest friend. This was the loss that concerned me most. I worried about Cecily a lot. I clung to her because I was missing my littlest daughter and needed some extra little girl time, but I also clung to Cecily for her. She was missing her daily companion...the one that she slept with, bathed with, played with, and really spent twenty-four hours a day with. She developed a fear of leaving home without her whole family. I thought it was just because she needed the comfort of being around us all together, but I found out later through conversation that she was afraid that she would come home and somebody else would be missing.

My eleven year old was confused by Anna's death, not because she didn't understand death...not because she didn't believe she was in heaven, but because she wasn't sure where her place was in dealing with the death. Abigail suffered severe heartache like the rest of us, but she was old enough to feel that she needed to be strength for others somehow. She was also young enough to need support herself. Her personality is such that she didn't really stop long to ponder things most of the time but rather just carried on. She was the one that said things like, "Common, let's go to the zoo and cheer up!" or she would do something silly just to lighten the mood. She didn't like that we allowed her to sleep through the whole ordeal the morning Anna died and she wished she would have had been able to say goodbye to Anna - we regretted not giving her that opportunity but it was simply not in our hands to do it. We were so consumed in the moment that we couldn't think about the details along the way.

Jared was fourteen when Anna died and witnessed that tragic morning up close. He woke up to the chaos. A lot was required of him the morning Anna died. He had to stay home with Jonas who was also awake and also look after the other children (who were sleeping) while we ran out of the house with Anna, leaving him with the words, "I think she's already with Jesus." Jared, being the oldest, carried a big load of burden. He suffered deeply but kept quiet most of the time. Occasionally he would speak up and tell us his fears and his heartache and during those times, God gave me the strength to pick him back up.

Overall, my advice to parents would be to make their children talk. Don't just say, "I'm here to listen if you need me", say, "You must talk about your feelings in order to heal." It is crucial. As they voice their thoughts you'll be able to give them sound advice on how to deal with those thoughts. Just let your mother's heart speak. The things that give you hope and comfort also give them hope and comfort - especially the scripture. Just as an active spirit life gives us hope and healing, it also gives that to children. My two oldest children told me that they "came alive" spiritually after Anna died. It was the first time they personally needed that close comfort that only God can truly give.

Don't ever tell your children not to cry or to stop crying if they are crying from grief. Just as you need to cry, they need to cry. If you sense they're holding back tears, encourage them to let them flow because they'll feel better as they release the emotion. But don't ever force a child to cry. If they don't feel like crying, that's okay. Not everybody needs the same thing.

Most importantly, don't grieve too much in front of your children - make creative escapes when you have to let out your emotion. They can only cope with a sad mommy so long. One of the most difficult things for a child is feeling like life will never be the same. They need to know that you still love them and they are reason enough to heal. After Anna died I wrote in my journal that even though the pain was so bad that I didn't want to live, I would work at healing for my children because they needed me to heal. It was what got me through some horrible days. Living for others is okay -sacrificial love is always a beautiful way to love God.

Grieving is inevitable but so is healing. Children have a wonderful way of escaping reality with their imagination. Abigail recently told me that the hardest place to be was at home because it was a constant reminder of what was missing...not just Anna but also a normal family. Be patient with your children as they grieve...they will likely be done grieving before you are.